


You Got Something On Your Face There

by Mercutio



Series: Snipers Do It From A Distance; Assassins Do It From Behind [5]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Deadpool being Deadpool, Gen, Pigeons, When Animals Attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-04-16 00:16:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14152497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mercutio/pseuds/Mercutio
Summary: Deadpool doesn't work for free.  Unless it's Darcy.





	You Got Something On Your Face There

Amidst serene blue waters floated a small sailing boat. A large bird cage occupied more than half of the deck, and a mostly empty unlabeled bag the size of a sack of grain.

A travel version of the game Battleship was superglued to the mast.

A thwack of something wet hitting a solid object interrupted the quiet peace. "Hit!"

A phone rang.

"Hellllllll-o. You're speaking to the fabulous Wade Wilson, aka Deadpool, aka Professional Exterminator, affordable rates, termites a specialty," Wade answered his phone.

Another thwack. "Ooh, that went wide."

"Wade? This is Clint. Barton. With the Avengers?"

"Ohhh. Hotass. How's it going, tweety bird? Does this mean this is going to be pro bono? Because I'm completely pro boner, but I don't work for free if you know what I mean."

Thwack. "Miss!"

"It involves attacking a flying aircraft carrier--"

"Pass," Deadpool said. He released another bird and watched it make a strafing run on the island's lone building. "C'mon, baby, you can do it. You can do it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like that. That's the way. You can do it."

Wade could hear arguing from the other end of the line.

"What did he say? Did he say yes?" That sounded like the voice of a guy with a douche goatee and too much money on his hands. Potential payday, baby!

"He said no. And I think he's jerking off." Oh, Tweety, Tweety, Tweety. So hot. So naive.

Thwack. "Hit!"

Deadpool did a butt wiggle of triumph, then celebrated by calling out, "Pull!" as he released the next bird.

The gun shot that took out the bird came automatically. Deadpool watched feathers from the now exploded bird drift down into the ocean over the barrel of his gun. "Oops. My bad."

A growl came from the other end of the line -- which was good, as Wade had forgotten he was holding it -- and then a new voice interrupted Deadpool's sport.

"Wilson. SHIELD's got Darcy. Barton thought you'd wanna know."

Wade fumbled the phone. "Wait!" He grabbed it again. "Mrs. Colin Firth's been kidnapped?"

But the call had been disconnected.

"Shitballs." Deadpool turned the phone off and put it away. Pacing back and forth in the limited space aboard the boat, he continued grabbing a new bird and releasing it each time he passed their cage. "Avengers, so good. Free, so bad. The future Mrs. Wilson -- as if -- so let the slaughter begin! Hung up on, so bad." He snapped his fingers. "Flying aircraft carrier equals helicarrier! How many of those can there be?"

He rubbed his hands together in glee. "Totally justified mayhem and violence AND a damsel in distress! This is my lucky day!"

Across the water from his boat, a lone bird circled over a figure in a red shirt.

Thwack! The white droppings cascaded perfectly over the target's head. Wade chortled in glee. "You sunk my battleship! Just in time, too. Well, I'm off!" He armed the self-destruct even as he retrieved the Go Pro filming the event.

Deadpool opened the cage, releasing the rest of his captives. "Fly, be free! Repopulate the skies and dominate the lands with the might of your terror."

The remaining passenger pigeons he'd gotten from an alternative universe (it counted as a good deed!) sat placidly in their cage. He'd been feeding them -- gorging them really -- to provide a maximum payload. They knew a good deal when they saw it and had no intention of leaving.

"Shoo, shoo!"

None of them moved. One of them cooed at him. Probably in an attempt to extort more food.

"Lousy flying squirrels. No wonder you went extinct. No survival instinct at all. Well, the joke's on you. Papa Deadpool's gotta take out the trash, so no more free lunch for you guys. Off to save the day once again! Deadpool out!"

He pressed the button on his teleporter and disappeared. Behind him, the self-destruct continued to tick down.


End file.
